you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Randomize
