I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
