look no pants
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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