She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
