that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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