I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
