can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
