just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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