I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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