It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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