I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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