I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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