you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
two words...techno handjob
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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