I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
