I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
