Moan for me like Helen Keller
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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