my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
