I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
