Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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