I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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