Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
