A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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