Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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