I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
