those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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