Jerry, you need to find god
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
