OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
