I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
