it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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