Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
