if you like me you must not know who I am
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
