hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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