Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
