i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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