If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
