oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Randomize
