I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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