omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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