I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Send help, water and tortillas.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
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