my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
