The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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