Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
