this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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