I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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