I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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