She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
