Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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