I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
