i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize