So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
