i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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