so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
