Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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