i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
