It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
