I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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