He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
