My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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