im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Found the puke drawer
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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