I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
