Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
