the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
