i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
